Stillborn Awareness
- This Or That Mom
- Jun 17, 2019
- 13 min read
Updated: Jun 19, 2019
One topic that I really wanted to touch on is stillborn awareness. Everyone can classify the experience of losing a child as one of the most detrimental occurrences that can happen in someone's life. However, when a child dies before or shortly after birth, the grief those parents feel is often vastly misunderstood.
I reached out to these mothers who were kind enough to share insight on their experience. This was so helpful for me to put myself in their shoes and gain a little bit more of an understanding of life after a stillborn. More awareness needs to be spread so the grieving process can be better understood by everyone.
If you have experienced this kind of loss, these moms have provided incredible advice that you may relate to and benefit from. Even if you have not experienced a loss, I encourage you to read every single one of these mom’s responses to help you gain an understanding of their experience. This post is for EVERYONE.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
Your baby is YOUR baby and you get to remember your child however you see fit. We like to remember our daughter with happiness and surrounded her with laughter and smiles (and obviously a lot of tears) while we were in the hospital and beyond. If you see it within yourself, its been incredibly powerful and helpful for me to connect with other parents who's children have died, to talk to people who truly get you, your hurt, and your love. (Feel free to follow me on Instagram!) Other parents love my daughter like their own, like she is still here. I also recommend reading books (some of my favorites are: Its Ok That You're Not Ok, Empty Cradle Broken Heart, and Ask Me His Name) - I put off reading grief/child loss books for so long because then to me it was "real." But as soon as I started reading them, I felt understood and less crazy. Don't be afraid of doing things for fear of judgement - grief is unique just as love is unique. Everything after the loss of your child feels so wrong - my guiding principle since we found out Juniper had passed was to make decisions based on what felt "least wrong." We have chosen to share Juniper with the world with pride! We still sent out birth announcements, her name is still on our Christmas card, and she will always be a part of our everyday lives. You can also choose to remember your child more privately, that is up to you. You're also allowed to change your mind and perspective. You will have bad days, and less bad days. It can be therapeutic to do things in memory of your child, as if you are "parenting" them - such as raising money for a support organization, doing random acts of kindness, or other things with your child's name attached. Overall, you get to do what you want to and chose to do!
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
Just because my daughter died before she was born, does not make her any less of a person or any less loved. Juniper is our daughter and we love her and are proud of her. Babies who are stillborn are not something to be afraid of, they are babies just like anyone else's babies. We gave them life. Babies who are stillborn do not only need to be remembered in sadness; their death does not need to define their life. Juniper still brought us and brings us joy and happiness. Her death makes us sad but that is only the ending of her life, not the definition.
Connecting with other parents who's children have died has been such a blessing and I cannot recommend it enough. We are able to vent to each other, laugh together, and cry together. There's something unspoken about seeing eye to eye with someone else who has lived on after burying their child.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
Grief is not a linear path. It’s confusing and overwhelming and heavy. Every person who has experienced the loss of a child navigates their reality and their future differently. One coping mechanism might work for one person and be detrimental to another. What I try to remind myself of when it feels overwhelming is to focus on things that don’t hurt. Nothing will take the pain away or even make it better but I do know things that don’t hurt and so whether that’s quiet time, writing or simply a long bath, I do that. I try to be gentle on myself when I need a minute, an hour or an entire day to sit with my grief and really feel every emotion come at me. Each one has a very significant purpose, no matter how painful and I’ve come to appreciate them because they are moments and thoughts that make me feel connected to my daughter.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
When someone you know experiences the death of a child it can be very uncomfortable to know what to say or do. What is important to remember is that you can’t ‘do’ anything to make it better but you can be present. The death of a child is a tragically isolating experience. It feels like the world for that mom has stopped while everyone else’s lives continue on as usual. Presence is important. Understanding that emotions are intense, maybe fleeting and subject to change and that her knowing she hasn’t been abandoned by those that love her is immeasurable. Reach out even when you think she’s fine. She wants to talk about her child. Sometimes people think that ‘bringing it up’ will make her sad, it might, but it’s a good sad. She wants to talk about her child, I promise.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
I am so so new to my loss by only 3 months but I can say that you should constantly give yourself grace, grace and more grace. If you’re having a bad day, stay in bed and give yourself grace. If you’re having a good day, go out and do something fun without feeling “guilty” and give yourself grace! Heal how you need to and give yourself ample grace in the process.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
My daughter, Haven passed away 3 months ago. Everything is so fresh to me and because of this, she is literally at the front or the back of my mind All. Day. Long. I am never not thinking about her or grieving her. If I am snippy or in a bad mood, it is because of that. If I am quiet all the sudden and my mood changes, it’s because of that. I know it is not easy to understand but I am learning how to cope with my “new normal” (gosh, I hate that saying) But if you have gone through a loss, you can relate!
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
Those of you who have experienced a loss of a baby, my advice to you is to roll with the punches of grief, feel everything you need to feel. Do not let others tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. Everyone grieves differently and it's so important that you allow yourself to experience it rather to push it way or ignore it.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
There are no words to adequately describe losing a baby. My daughter was our first. My hands feel so bare but my heart has so much love to give, so I give all that love by honoring her in my daily life by talking about her and trying to live a life with joy despite this storm we have been through. We chose her middle name to be Joi to give us that reminder.
Grief is a roller coaster and there are so many triggers that come with loss. Seeing other moms with their precious babes and curly haired ponytail girls running around can be exhausting. but grief and joy can walk together and still make a beautiful life.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
Be patient with yourself. Grieving is a long process and can’t be rushed if you truly want to come out stronger from the experience. It’s also a life long battle... so don’t be surprised if you’re walking down the street a few years from now and something triggers you ♥️
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
Our pregnancy after our loss was the hardest 9 months of my life. Only until I was fully able to submit my will to God was I able to find peace and be happy about the pregnancy.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
The advice that I would give to parents that have experienced loss is to first understand that they did nothing wrong. In grief, I often blamed myself for not protecting my child enough. The fact of the matter is that nothing I could have done differently would have resulted any other way. I have an incompetent cervix and did a lot of body shaming, but in the end realized that it was out of my control. I protected my son with the time we had together… and do what I can to now mother him as an angel. Next, would be that grief is not linear nor is there a timeline. I encourage families to feel what they need regardless of any other person's expectations of how they perceive their grief should be. Each person is different and will go through their own grief as it suits their personality. Concentrate on looking inward for guidance. And lastly in this point is to build a support system. Find friends, family or those in the loss community that help lift and honor the feelings they have. Don't be afraid to branch away from stereotypical therapists and find what comforts them personally. For me, I find the most peace in nature, gardening, helping others and in art.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
Insight I would give about what I went through: Grief is a vulnerable and hard. There were often times I was in very dark places. And that is completely normal. For me, I found that the more I shared the better I felt and the times I felt shamed in my grief is when things got the worst. It's important to understand that life will never be the same as it was, but it is very possible to live a meaningful life after loss. It's about finding ways to grow that ultimately will bloom a whole new person in the process.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
Advice to parents who have gone through the same experience: Be gentle with yourself. You have gone through something that has forever changed you. Allow yourself to feel everything. The good and the bad. The wonderful and the miserable. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, it doesn’t make you weak, and don’t travel down the path of “what ifs”. They won’t change the outcome, and all they will do is break your heart even more.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
This entire experience has rocked my world. At 38 weeks pregnant, you want to believe that the only way your story will end is with a bring home baby, but I’m proof that is not always the case. You don’t just lose the baby, you lose that child’s entire life. My beautiful boy didn’t take a single breath on this earth, but he has impacted so many people’s lives. It’s heartbreaking to not have him here, but I’m so proud to be his mother.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
See your baby and spend time with your baby. Those few days in the hospital are all you’ll get. It’ll take time, but it’s okay to laugh and be happy. Don’t feel guilty. Days will slowly become brighter again and you will learn how to live your new life. Pregnancy and infant loss is actually quite common, you are not alone.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
I’ve had 4 pregnancy losses: 2 miscarriages, 2 stillbirths. My first stillborn son passed for no known reason. I almost died 3 weeks later due to complications from birth. My second son was stillborn after a fatal car accident I was in. He quite literally saved my life. I’m still struggling since both my losses were so traumatic but I’m very open about my experiences and everything I’ve learned.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
Don’t be afraid to share your feelings/story. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with friends or family or to tell someone that something they’ve said is inappropriate or insensitive. A lot of well meaning sayings such as “God has a plan...everything happens for a reason,” etc. are not helpful.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
You may not know what you need from others because a lot of times people will say “call me if you need anything, I’m here for you.” That’s not helpful or fair to have that pressure put on us. For US, the grieving parents, to have to seek them. If your friends and family want to help all they need to do is be there & be present for you. They don’t have to offer comforting words as their presence will be enough to show they care. You’ll probably tell them you’re fine, but you won’t be. Tell them to keep checking on you if need be. If you want to be alone, that’s okay too but don’t let yourself stay like that.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
My advice to parents who have experienced stillbirth is to surround yourself with people who will support you and honour the life of your child as you would like. They are your baby whether they drew breath or not. You carried them, love them, and miss them. Say their name, find keepsakes and take photos, maybe even video. These things may seem unbearably hard in the moment but these few memories and mementos are so important.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
Losing my son was something I could never imagine happening to me. I’ve read about stillbirth and heard of others sad stories but never in a million years thought I would face it. I have learned so much about grief and how to face it. I know I need to talk about my son Lachlan and continue to talk about him.
Pretending he didn’t exist does not take away the pain. But being able to share his story and his beauty does help. It is amazing what we can survive.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
My advice to parents who have gone through the same experience is: It's okay to feel sad. It's also okay to feel angry, bitter, jealous, frustrated, uncertain, and fearful. Every emotion within grief is valid and you don't need to explain to anyone why you feel the way you do! You have every right to feel every feeling, to share what you are feeling, and to process what you are feeling in your own way and time. You are grieving, and even that is okay.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
An insight that I would like to share about my experience: There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a baby. Grief after stillbirth is very complex and a unique kind of loss; there is this deep sense of losing an identity in parenthood and loss in a multitude of levels. Parents don't just grieve the loss of a baby, but a whole life of what they could have had with their child. That being said, the healing process can take a very long time, however, healing may not occur or happen at all. It's important that grief is expressed in a way that is personal to them and that they are respected in their need to do this is any way they choose. After all, grieving is how someone expresses their love to those who hold meaning and value. A stillborn baby is still a person and is loved like any other.
See photo!!
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
My advice to parents who are going through the loss of their child is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently. Your spouse might deal with the loss in a completely different way and that’s okay. Just be sure to check in with each other. You are in this together.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
I still don’t understand why we had to go through losing our Penelope. Nothing could ever prepare you to hear the words, “There is no heartbeat.” I know that I would not have been able to survive if it weren’t for the support of family and friends. They are there to lean on and I leaned heavily.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
An advice I would give to someone who has experienced stillbirth would be everyone grieves different, cry, scream but never hurt yourself. Don’t hold your feelings inside these were our babies they are our heart! People tend to hide their emotions because we were taught to “stay strong” but it’s ok to cry. Give yourself all the time you need. After all grieve is simply all the love you wanted to give.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
An insight would be all bereaved parents are entitled to good care after stillbirth. Stillbirth is an emergency for us parents but not always for medical staff. People forget with are still Mother’s/ Father. We don’t stay up late with our new born but we do stay up late crying wishing we had them with us, people don’t realize that a bereaved Mother’s life is exhausting, sleepless nights. We don’t get the rewarded of hugging our babies after a long day. We are parents too.
What advice can you give to other parents who have gone through the same experience?
I can say take your time with your grieving process and don’t let others tell you when you should be ok. I’m currently dealing with that with my employer wanting me to go back to work ASAP even though my doctor said not yet. I feel like I may lose my job over this and it’s not okay, they are adding stress that shouldn’t be there.
Is there any insight you would like to share about your experience that may help others understand what you went/are going through?
Idk what I can say everything is so new to me. All I can say is how heartbroken I am. But I do know awareness needs to be raised. This is a silent topic and people need to know how it affects people. I am grieving my twins death, I read somewhere that “love never dies and neither will grief”.
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