Raising Black Children
- This Or That Mom
- Jun 13, 2020
- 12 min read
With the Black Lives Matter movement, I wanted to listen to the experiences of black families. I asked some mothers to share the struggles they have to overcome while raising black children as well as any experiences with racism they have ever personally faced, if they have. Thank you to all these moms for sharing.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
In raising black children, there is an overwhelming pride! Pride in raising black kings and queens who will be strong, beautiful, smart, and kind. But we also have to raise our children to be secure in who they are and mentally strong because we know they will eventually face some sort of racism, discrimination, and/or unfairness just for being black. It’s incredibly hard to explain to a child (who knows nothing of the world around them yet) that A) people may treat you differently just because your black and B) you have to figure out how to live and thrive in spite of it. We struggle with relaying those messages. We struggle with not knowing when our sweet boys and girls will be seen as a threat to someone.
But this is a struggle that my parents went through with raising my brother and I. And a struggle that their parents went through. And etc etc. We teach abc’s and 123’s....then we have to also teach “what to do if a police officer pulls you over” and “how to not seem threatening to white people”. We have to explain why they don’t see as many black people in leadership. Why they may have less black coworkers at work. Why we’ve only had 1 black president. Why certain brands mainly show white faces in their marketing. It’s exhausting! And we don’t enjoy it. But it can literally mean the difference between life and death for our children. The difference between success and failure in their careers. So, we do it. And they’re stronger for it!
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
I attended Florida State University. Not on scholarship. Not as an athlete. Just as a regular student. As a 17-yr old high school senior, I was elated when I got accepted! It’s one of the best colleges in the nation. But when I began to tell white people in my community that I was accepted, their first response was “Oh, I didn’t know you played a sport! What sport do you play? I’m glad that got you in!” FYI: I don’t play sports. Never have. I got in because I had a great GPA and accolades. Just like white students. Even after I arrived on campus, teachers and staff would ask what practice am I attending and things like that. Because they assumed the only reason I was there was to play sports. It was infuriating. But because my parents had prepared me for it, I was ready! I had answers prepared every time. I’ve also been followed in extensive stores and asked the always offensive “Are you SURE you want that?? It may be pricey for you...” While not asking white women in the store the same question. I’ve been told that my natural hair is unacceptable to wear at work (I was a director at a hospital at the time). And these are just a few examples! I know this is a really long answer to your questions, but this is our reality....this is the life we live every day.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
I think the biggest struggle for me raising a black son is knowing that one day he will be seen as a threat and worrying about his safety. My son struggles with social anxiety and sometimes at this age that may show itself in an exhaustive tantrum. As he gets older that may change. However, I know that he won't get the same leeway as his white counterparts and one action or word that's misconstrued can cost him his life. I also struggle with starting to teach him this difficult reality because he is only 3. However, society often doesn't allow black children the same liberties for childlike mistakes and actions as they do white children. Black children are typically expected to demonstrate a higher level of maturity at a younger age. Because of that black mothers have to prepare our children at a younger age for what they will confront in society.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
Because my son is still a toddler, he has experienced racism in the form of microaggressions mainly. I can recall several times we'd be at the playground when we used to live in Virginia, and he would be on the slide or something by himself. Then all of a sudden older white children would come and shove him out the way, which that’s normal childlike behavior. However, the microaggression comes in when their parents would not correct their children for pushing him out the way. One time in particular the mother of the child just stood there and looked me in my face as if we were in the wrong. These types of actions are typically what I'm dealing with at this time with my son.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
My name is Keelay Carter, I’m a wife and mom of 2 boys. The struggles I face while raising black children, particularly black young boys who will one day become young men is mainly fear and worry all the time. This fear comes from questions that I don’t have the answers to and the uncertainty of the future. Will my young boys who are full with innocence, the same boys that I’m raising to be respectful young men of integrity with kind loving hearts become someone’s bogus description of a suspect? Will they be pre judged by the color of their skin by a police officer or another civilian who looks at them as a threat?
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
I’ve experienced racism in my life whether it be in the workplace or in public. I’ve had instances where I experienced racism while trying to receive care for my newborn in the hospital, at a gas station in South Carolina being thrown chips that I purchased because she didn’t want to touch my money or my hands. It’s hurtful and it’s saddening to know that this world doesn’t accept us for being who we are as equal human beings. My fear as a black woman, a black wife, and a black mother is real. I do stand on my foundation of faith and prayer to ensure that my boys don’t live in fear but to teach them to pray over themselves as well.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
Being a black mother and raising black children in America is horrifying. There are many struggles that I face daily with raising my black children, especially my boys. I’m constantly worrying about how they will be treated when they are at school away from their momma. I'm always worried if my children will be seen as a threat. There are many stereotypes centered around black boys such as them displaying defiant behavior, being uneducated, and many more awful stereotypes.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
My 8-year-old son recently experienced racial discrimination from his 2nd grade white teacher. Just a little background information on my family, my husband and I purchased our first home 1 year ago, seeking to give our children a better life than we had. We didn’t realize how this exciting milestone could be detrimental to our wellbeing, especially our children. Our new home is located in a predominantly white area. My son would come home every day from school sad, depressed, and not interested in his normal activities. My son would tell me that he didn’t like his teacher because he felt that she was mean. He would say things like “ she’s only mean to me, and some other brown kids”. He even complained about his teacher not helping him with difficult assignments. My son was completely innocent and had no idea what was happening to him. I couldn’t hold back the tears that filled my eyes. I knew it was time for me to have the “ talk” with my son. I had to let him know that sometimes he would be treated unfairly simply because of the color of his dark brown skin. This hurt deeply.
This is a real struggle that I experience with being a black mother. I'm constantly proving to others that my children are well behaved. I’m constantly working 3 times harder with raising my black children than my white counterparts. I find myself convincing the world of their worth. I struggle with finding my children a great pediatrician that genuinely cares for my children & not judge them based on the color of their skin. Raising black children can be a challenge but, I will never give up on them. No matter the struggles that I face daily, I’m proud to be a black mother raising black children. Every day I work hard and fight for equality. I pray that the world will one day see the true beauty of our black skin and love us for who we truly are!
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
Raising a black child is difficult enough, but raising a black son in America has been disheartening. I worry constantly about the world we are leaving behind for him. One would hope to feel that their child is safe from racism in school. As an educator, it is saddening to share this story, but my hope is that this message will open the minds of like-minded educators.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
When my son was in first grade, he had the misfortune of having a very close-minded educator. This person approached my son as though he was a pariah, and blamed a lot of his behavioral outbursts on her views that he was an angry black boy from an angry black family. This educator was oblivious to the fact that my son understood and felt the mistreatment he was receiving, and therefore would act out in frustration. That educator was released from the school that following year, but I am happy to say that he no longer attends that school. My son now attends a school that celebrates equity and appreciates its students.
To add to the social injustices we face daily, I am burdened with an array of questions regarding my son's safety and mental well-being for the future. Will he make it past the age of 25? Will he not be considered for career opportunities because of the color of his skin? Will he be made to feel less than by his peers because of the color of his skin?
These questions plague me every day, but I remain positive in the hopes that there will be the change we need in our society where my son is not persecuted because of the color of his skin but judged by the content of his character. As the mother of a young black boy, I will continue to raise a presentable young man that will one day make a positive change for the future.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
I struggle with the realization that as a mother I deal with my natural inclination to always desire to protect them + added pressure to protect them because they’re black and with that comes obstacles too numerous to name. The world won’t always see my beautiful little black boys and readily speak to their adorable nature. There is an unspoken timeframe in their lives when that abruptly stops and “real life” begins. It’s tough to know what age and/or size that transition happens, but the sad truth is that I and many other Black Mothers witness it firsthand and have to prepare our children for this harsh reality. It’s the preparation that is the biggest struggle for me. Balancing who they are with how the world may see them all while attempting not to dim the bright light within them is heartbreaking. Teaching them how to deal with feelings of anger, hurt, and confusion is a task in and of itself, but add being Black in America to the mix alongside those natural feelings and think of beginning these conversations as early as age 2. It is our reality, and it sucks.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
In middle school we were on a field trip that ended at the mall. I was in Claire’s along with a number of other school aged children. I was the only Black student in the store at the time and upon my exit, I was stopped and accused of stealing. Me, the young girl who never got in trouble, let alone ever thought of stealing. The young girl who constantly went (now goes) overboard in showcasing she isn’t a criminal or bad child, but a smart and talented young dreamer. Come to find out, another kid had stolen, a white kid, and I didn’t receive an apology or a second glance post incident (nor did the actual thief receive anything but a “slap on the wrist”). No teacher or employee was accountable for what transpired and I was left feeling like I should just be glad the truth came out. Upon hearing of the incident my oldest sister took me back to the store, asked to speak with management to inquire store policies and detail the happenings of my day, as well as seek an apology. That shouldn’t have had to happen. I have never stepped foot into a Claire’s again. I have always been taught how to behave in a store in a manner more closely related to the color of my skin than based on the general expectations one just naturally has for a child. This was in middle school and this was only the beginning of my many experiences with racism. Flash forward 20 years and I am now having to approach teaching MY children why life is so different for them.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
I’ve always noticed that in most of my white friends’ houses, I am the only black skin their kids see in their homes when I visit. No ounce of color anywhere. No brown dolls. No brown characters in their books. How do you teach your children about differences and their friends in school? The excuse that you’re all white at home will never be valid. Because guess what? Black little girls are always gifted white Barbie dolls. How will my daughter feel, walking into these homes with the people she loves and she is not represented or celebrated in any way?
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
Luca is BIRACIAL. Her mother is black. Her father is white. She sees white faces everywhere she goes in this world. It’s always been important in our home for her to see little brown girls in the books we read, the toys we play with, the things we watch…To see herself, and her mother. I’m asking for our family and friends to start with their children. OUR CHILDREN! Listen, Learn, and Teach.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
The main type of struggle that I face while raising black children is getting them to understand that although they interact with/play with/eat lunch with children of different races, they are different from them due to the predisposed notions formed about them because they are black. It’s hard trying to explain to your child that they may be treated differently or made to feel inferior due to the amount of melanin in their skin.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
The main type of racism that we consistently deal with as a middle-class black American family is the perception that we don’t belong in certain settings. Although sometimes it is covert, there are other times that it is overt that individuals that are racist are shocked that we are educated, have good jobs or even send our kids to private school. It’s a constant battle to belong.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
The weight on Black mothers at this moment in history is immeasurable. It would be so much easier to bear witness to these injustices alone. It would be so much easier not to have the crippling fear of raising a Black boy. Not to see fear on their young brown faces. Not to contend with their sadness and confusion.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
My boy said yesterday he thought once Donald Trump was out of office next year, racism would be over. How do you break his little heart and tell him that racism will always be with us? That racism is woven into the fabric of America?
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
The kind of struggles I face raising black children is always being afraid I won’t be able to give them the same opportunity as everyone else, knowing that if they leave my presence there is someone out there who will mistreat them just for being a different skin color or they feel that their race is not good enough for certain things. I don’t want them to struggle with finding acceptance in this world, it’s sad it even has to be that way.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
I’ve never firsthand experienced racism actually being done to me, but most of the people around me have. I don’t know how I would actually feel experiencing it for myself.
What kind of struggles do you face while raising black children?
The struggle of raising black children for me, it hasn’t been bad. I get the typical look like I’m a teenager and I have two kids but, once I tell them how old I really am it tends to go like omg you look great lol.
Can you give examples of racism that you have experienced?
I’ve witnessed some people go to my children because they are light skin then a dark skin kid. I’ve been in positions where I get complimented on being pretty for being light skin and having long hair and I’m standing next to a darker skin person and they don’t. I was in middle school when I experienced my first racism incident. I was in 6th grade and a white girl Heather bumped into me and said “excuse you n*****.”
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