Same-Sex Parents
- This Or That Mom
- Mar 9, 2019
- 14 min read
Updated: Mar 11, 2019
This week’s topic is same-sex couple parenting. The purpose of my blog is to unite different families throughout the internet and share one thing—the mutual love we share for our children.
Only three years ago, marriage equality was finally legalized. While there have been major strides, there is still so much that needs to be heard to ensure the equity and well-being for these parents. One of the best ways to move forward is to listen. By listening to others and their stories, we can learn more about the different variations of parenthood. That is why I reached out to some same-sex couples to share insight on their journey through parenthood. I asked them if they had received any criticism or setbacks as same-sex parents in hopes that their responses not only help other same-sex parents and future same-sex parents relate, but to educate on the stigmas that are still out there and to guide others to live a little more consciously in regards to all different types of families in this world. Some of these same-sex couples have faced criticism, but I was happy to hear that many of them have not. However, no matter what feedback I got, I am so thankful that these parents were kind enough to share their experiences.
"From what I have witnessed over time watching other parents, and experienced being a parent of twins for 3.5 months, it takes a great deal of confidence in yourself to raise children. Many of us naturally scrutinize our abilities as a parent, or we look at other parents and play the comparison game, and dare I say there is also a lot of judgement around parenting styles and how you choose to raise your child. Fortunately, having learned early on through coming out and accepting ourselves as LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 (or not society’s norm) we learned early on to be confident in who we are as individuals, we learned resilience and grit, and we have definitely learned to carve our own path and do things our way regardless of other’s opinions. These tools that we learned by having to critically examine our identity are definitely helping us succeed as parents.
To be honest, we have been pleasantly surprised, or more so super happy about how supportive most have been of our non-traditional family. From the hospital experience where it seemed like every staff member took the time to visit, especially the “mom” staff members and give these two clueless looking guys with a baby in each arm some awesome words of wisdom, to the grocery store when people ask us, “Where are the moms” or “Giving the mom’s a break?” and we kindly inform them we are their adoptive dads, everyone has been super receptive. I would say that is something that has been not a setback but requires us to be bold, challenging the way people think of a family unit. But it’s been fun watching everyone trying to figure out why these two guys have these two babies out, and no we are not best friends watching kids. Haha. We have learned that babies naturally unite people, create bonds, and bring immense amount of love. I think the biggest challenges will come later when we have to navigate the twins going to school and realizing their family looks different or we have found that many stories, clothing, and media focus on mom and child and they will constantly be reminded they are different. As a counselor and my husband a teacher we hope to tackle that through a great deal of communication and early education. We also are developing a same sex parent friend group so our kids won’t feel too different or alone."
"I wouldn’t say we had any setbacks. On the contrary, we were very lucky. We had a lovely surrogate, and we got pregnant on the very first try with twins. It was a dream come true! We did however, have some criticism. From family, thinking “what will everyone think”, and from some friends who weren’t sure what to think, but in the end, now that it’s said and done, EVERYONE is beyond supportive. I think people’s fear of the unknown leads them astray. I believe you must lead by example, so by seeing us together, leading a happy, healthy, successful life as a family, there’s really nothing to question."
"My wife and I were lucky to have a wonderful support system of friends and family and have never experienced any setbacks or criticism from others directly. If anything, I believe our own fears have been our biggest setbacks. We are often afraid to put our family in certain situations out of fear of the “what if’s” - what if someone has something negative to say or is rude or treats our child differently? What if they question the validity of our family? It’s sad that our awareness that discrimination still exists has been a factor when making simple everyday choices, even down to where we go to eat. As protectors of our daughter, we would never want to put ourselves in a situation where she would feel that negativity, and I do think it has hindered us a bit, specifically in the beginning of motherhood. We are still working towards overcoming these fears and have yet to feel discriminated against as a same sex family. We are learning to step out of our comfort zones and put ourselves Out there more, and that when we do, we are so often surprised and grateful for the acceptance and love that others have given us."
"As a same sex couple, we don’t fit into the stereotypical roles often defined with heterosexual relationships. Our boys are seeing first hand that relationships are important - no matter what they look like. We’ve been lucky that we’ve surrounded ourselves with people who are encouraging and supportive of our relationship. With that said, our kids are still young and inevitably questions will come from them. We’ve talked about how we prepare for questions about why they don’t have a mom, etc. and we’re ready. We’ve had our boys’ school host “muffins with mom” events and we simply just both come to the event. It’s not being trying to exclude but rather people who plans events like this don’t necessarily think of all the different family situations. What about kids who have lost a mom? What about divorced parents? We’re just another variation of a family - nothing more. Interestingly, they’re school now has a “pancakes with parents” day. Perhaps our situation opened their eyes a bit - and hopefully for the better!"
"To be quite honest... we haven’t yet experienced any noteworthy setbacks or criticism as samesex parents. I guess we have been very fortunate in that regard.
We encourage same-sex couples interested in starting a family to do research and educate themselves on all the possibilities of becoming parents. Consider the pros and cons of surrogacy, adoption (open & closed), and fostering and although the roads may be different, they all lead to parenthood, which will be one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs you’ll ever have. We are happy to share more of our journey and be a resource for others so please feel free to reach out and connect with us."
"My husband and I did experience setbacks when adopting our kids as a same-sex couple mainly because we are two gay men. Even today, the system, including courts, tend to be bias for mothers because of the belief that the maternal aspect of parenting is of the utmost important. Of course, we agree that having a mom in our kids’ life is important but providing our kids with unconditional love is even more important to us. We stressed the importance of figuring out what is best for the kid rather than focusing on a stereotype that kids function best only when a maternal figure is active in a kid’s life. In fact, and in our case, the mother was the direct cause of the problem. We are not saying all moms are bad… that would be crazy. However, we are saying two gay men can also provide loving nurturing homes for children."
“Well, to be honest, we live in Holland and most people here are very supportive. Of course there are always some people who judge, but they are not people that matter or are a part of our life. We are very happy, and getting married this year in July, and our daughter is so very excited. I am actually trying to think if I was ever hurt or treated wrong because of being a same sex parent, but to be honest I can't even think of one.”
https://instagram.com/momsdotme
"Growing up we both wanted to have a family of our own, but then you realize that you are gay. Although we live in a country where gay couples can have children, it is a rare and tough road. In the first month of dating we talked about having a child. We both were very honest with each other and expressed our wish for a family of our own. Knowing this from an early stage, it helped us unite to walk this rare and tough road together. We knew it wasn’t easy, but the desire was big enough to try it anyway. While looking for our opinions, we found a woman with an enormous heart that wanted to carry our baby. This was a gift from heaven. Without her we wouldn’t have this amazing family of our own. We are grateful to have met her, and she is still a part of our lives. We wouldn’t raise our daughter without knowing where she came from. In the end it is all about love, and there is plenty to go around."
"For us our journey has been completely smooth running. We received nothing but acceptance and love from family, friends, and our community.
As we are advocates for our adoption agency we found that the only answer we could give for this question as we are asked it often is to save as much money as possible as kids are expensive. The things that we experienced through our journey may not be the same for someone else as everyone’s journey is going to be different."
"I totally think our sexual orientation/identity has not influenced nor the way we are raising our kid or our kid's feelings towards the way he is being raised. Our oldest kid, Anxo, who is almost three and the only one who you can discuss and talk things with (Atlas is only one) considers himself just a normal kid. He feels loved, and secured, he has play time, activity time, movie time...all the kinds of times with his papas and we are also strict (well...most of the times) regarding the house rules. He has mentioned a couple of times that he has no mama, but has two papas instead. And he is very easy, accepting with that, for him is not a big deal at all, since we have been very communicative and positive about it about it at all times. From our perspective, I don't think our sexual identity has impacted at all in our way of raising kids. Our sexuality is just one of our many characteristics, so we firmly believe we are just humans raising humans
Maybe being gays could give a more open minded, prejudice-free perspective. Also, as we are not a straight couple having kids in a “standard” way, it makes us appreciate parenthood very profoundly. It took a very long, bumpy journey to become parents, so we view parenthood as the ultimate blessing we will ever get in our lives."
"As far as setbacks or criticism the only issue that comes up is when other kids bring up that our girls have only two moms. It can be a really awkward position if other parents haven’t had that conversation with their kids. However our kids are so resilient and matter-of-fact that it’s not an issue. My oldest shrugs her shoulders and says so what you have so-and-so. Interacting with other people’s children could pose issues for us but we’ve been lucky to interact with families that are very open minded. They don’t let it be a thing. Which is great because it shouldn’t be. Other than that small issue we go through the same struggles as other parents. Overcoming the issue all boils down to being open and honest with our girls about our lifestyle. We explain that not every family is the same but as long as you are loved that’s all that matters." abbysrollercoasterlife
"We didn’t experience many setbacks or criticism, except for a few random women who felt that they needed to tell us that breastmilk was best (🤷🏼♂️). It’s also a shame that more places don’t consider it important to have a change table in their male restrooms. For SS parents, but also for Dads in general. I think it’s important for parents to lend a hand or show their support to other parents, regardless if their parenting style or family situation is different. We all need to show each other more love and care. EVERY parent deserves to feel supported."
“We are very fortunate and lucky so far, to have not had much criticism being same sex parents - at least to our faces. Living in Texas we’ve had our fill of awkward stares, and little snickers but eventually you learn to let that roll off your shoulders! Living in a smaller town though, can have its setbacks. Our son has had a lot of appointments in his small life, and we usually always have to go together. Even though we’ve both been there since conception, one of us is still not recognized legally as his other parent. It’s very unfortunate and it hurts, but now we have worked with his doctors long enough and they know we are both is real moms!"
"As far as setbacks go when we first started our journey to become parents, we were setup to have a surrogate, but due to some personal issues the surrogate was going through, she decided not to proceed with it. We were heart broken, but understood her reasoning. That’s when we decided to look into adoption. We never really felt any criticism until we finalized our certification. When it came to actually being placed with a child, we were contacted by our social worker a few times about possible placements and each time we would get excited and prepare ourselves, but things ended up falling through and we went chosen for any. Each time we would reach out to our social worker, she never had an explanation as to why we were selected, even though we were told we would be. We started to hear less and less from her and started to feel that she had an issue with the fact that we were A same sex couple looking to adopt. We just kept each other’s spirits up by giving each other positive reinforcement and reminding ourselves about why we’re going on this journey to adoption. Every moment since we’ve been placed with our child has been a true blessing."
"As a same sex couple living in Ohio, the adoption process wasn’t that hard. In fact our agency told us as 2 males statistically get matched with a baby sooner.
I’ve been waiting for the day that we got criticized for being a same sex couple and adopting but it has surprised me and been the complete opposite. So much love and support everywhere we go! We have yet to receive any negative comments."
"So far we have not had any setbacks per say as being same-sex parents. I find that as time goes on and humans evolve that same-sex couples/parents are being accepted more and more into society. For me the set back was probably when I came out. We do get the occasional "ohh which one is the mother? " but most people as soon as we tell them we both are they feel bad for having asked that question or even having assumed that we were straight. We never make a big deal of out any situations regarding our sexual orientations because we’re comfortable with who we are and we want to raise our kids to be comfortable with who they are regardless of what anyone else thinks of them."
We've had a think and we can't think of any setbacks or faced any criticism for being parents. Maybe there was criticism but wasn't to our faces. We don't surround ourselves with people who would criticise and form a negative opinion of us anyway. As for setbacks, nothing at the moment. People have been very nice. In America, where Marnie was born, friends of our AirBnB hosts bought us a pram and car seat just because they were happy for us having a baby.
https://instagram.com/twodadsandalittlelady?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=1myoemlwd3evs
I have to say our experience has been a positive one. The adoption process apart from being lengthy, went pretty well. Work and family have been very supportive. The gay community has always had a positive reaction to us... same as the people where we live. We dine and go out often and not once have we received a funny look. The only thing I found a little frustrating is I always have to travel with David’s birth certificate as he has my husband name. Also when renewing my passport they couldn’t figure out how to put that I had a son and was married to a man as over there it is not legal. Everything else is the same struggle every parent has like the lack of sleep. I guess this is the fortune of living in London.
https://instagram.com/burky36?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=i9uhvx78qwul
"One of the criticisms we face is this belief that our kids need both a mother and a father to have a chance at life. When people say that, we tell them I only had my mum around growing up and I did fine, and that there are studies that show kids that come from families with same sex parent tend to thrive more than children from a family with a mom and a dad. We are big believers that there are all different kinds of families and all those families are beautiful and we will be teaching our children that."
"We face criticism as a gay couple in the random places like the grocery store and at family memorial services (not by family). The biggest thing that stands out is when my dad was sharing with his client that he was a new grandpa and the client’s secretary asked if I carried the baby or his daughter’s wife. When he said his daughter in law, she responded with “Well, that’s not really your grandchild”. My dad was pissed and went off on her and informed her boss (his client) about it the situation. There are other small times when my wife will be holding the baby and someone comments how cute she is and I say thank you and they respond with “oh, who’s baby is it?” And I respond with “ours” and it’s kind of throws people. You can really see their reaction.
My advice is visibility matters and stand your ground. You don’t need to be defensive but firm. And when I say visibility matters, I usually push the stroller and hold my wife’s hand, I want people to know we’re this baby’s mom/ we’re a same sex family/ etc. You never know who’s looking. Other lgbt can be and it’s mostly for them."
I am Australian and first generation Italian and my partner was born in Latina, Italy - I only tell you this so you understand that 'traditional' family values and beliefs, along with a Catholic upbringing is what we know and how we were raised. We are both fortunate enough to have amazing and supportive families who have continued to love us unconditionally as individuals, as a couple and most recently, as a family! Any LGBTQ discrimination or criticism we may have received, is a fight that we have already fought.... And a war that we have already won!
We live in my hometown of Adelaide, South Australia. For the most part, Australia is such a forward thinking and accepting country, and yet, Marriage equality was only passed here in 2018! If I have to talk about set-backs, it would be that we are still deemed 'socially infertile' in the eyes of the Government.... It's a hideous term really, but luckily they are merely words and we chose to give them no power. It did mean, however, that there were a few more hoops to jump through, so we asked "how high?" and started on our journey.
So here we are today.... 8 years together, 4 years engaged and with 2 fur babies. Now, after surgery for endometriosis, three failed IUDI attempts and on our second shot at IVF, all through our fertility specialist, after continuous pharmacy visits for too many medications to remember, after copious hospital visits, dealing with our inclusive places of employment, our insurance company, our beautiful and caring obstetritian, mid-wife and nurses alike - we have a precious girl! Throughout all of the above, through all the associated human interactions, through fertility, antenatal, birth and postnatal, we have been treated with absolute respect. Treated not as lesbians, but as parents! Our favourite thing, at the moment, are those who ask, with complete sincerity and without realising their mistake, whether she got mine or my partner's eyes!
In December 2018, we welcomed our amazing daughter Nivea into the world. She makes us laugh, she makes us cry, but most importantly, she's made us complete. @lola_mazzone & @zeroinfluenzer
https://instagram.com/zeroinfluenzer?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=mruzk9xqjw69
https://instagram.com/lola_mazzone?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=tlbnvu24xftl
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