Adoption and Foster Moms
- This Or That Mom
- Feb 17, 2019
- 14 min read
Adopting and fostering isn't for everyone. It takes a lot of work, time, dedication, and for most it requires a large amount of patience. In fact a lot of the moms below said that the hardest part is the waiting. Whether it's the waiting to be chosen as adoptive parents, to adopt the foster child that you have grown to love as your own and desperately want to keep forever, or maybe just the process leading up to these points - it's likely going to be a long road, but one that is worth the travel. Being able to care for and nurture a child in need and guide them in ways they never would have without you has to be the most rewarding gift a person could receive.
One aspect I found really surprising about adoptions was how close the adoptive parents have become with their children's birth parents and families. They have welcomed them as part of their own family which has shown to be beneficial to the children. I always thought for that reason an open adoption is something I would struggle with, but after reading how these moms incorporate their children’s birth family in their lives it changed my view.
That is my favorite thing about doing this blog, hearing other parent's experiences and reasoning and gaining a new perspective.
My husband and I have discussed the idea of adopting or fostering children. We decided it isn't for us at this point in our lives, but we're open to considering it in the future. Not going to lie though, after reading these moms' points of view on fostering and adoption and hearing their experiences, it made me want to start sooner.
I asked these inspiring moms below to share how they decided to adopt/foster and what struggles they faced. They are all so incredible. ❤️
"Ever since I was a teenager I always felt in my heart I would adopt. I was pulled in that direction even more so than to have biological children. While I had explored various possibilities over the years nothing was ever right for us in terms of location or systems involved wherever we lived. After we met Ruth and she made her adoption plan I could see what a brave woman she was and was making a massive sacrifice for her child. I knew to do this she loved him more than anything and wanted her to stay in our lives. We chose open adoption and haven’t looked back. Anyone who loves our son is welcome in our family. We adopted in a developing country. That in itself offers struggles. We had to adopt within the laws there but also make sure it would be legal elsewhere too. It’s a long process and is lots of waiting. That’s the hardest. Waiting. The best part is the bond that our boys have being just 5 months apart. It’s beautiful. They actually believe they are both called “doodle” which is the nickname for Jonty. Hendry will always answer “doodle” if you ask his name."
"My husband and I have always known that we wanted to be parents; it has been one of our biggest dreams! After several years of trying to start a family of our own, we began praying about what our family would look like if we were never able to conceive. We decided that if we weren’t going to be blessed with biological children, we still wanted to take care of children somehow. So one thing led to another which led to a conversation about foster care with a social worker that helped us realize that it was a calling on our lives. We quickly became licensed foster parents and welcomed our first placement of two precious boys that we later adopted along with their sister (August 2018). Our biggest struggle that we’ve had to overcome is being intentional about guarding our hearts and dealing with case managers, attorneys, judges, etc. that are used and emotionless towards the horrible situations that these kids are coming out of. It’s so heartbreaking. Foster care and adoption are both equally beautiful. Having the ability to provide a loving, safe environment for children to come to is so rewarding. Seeing children overcome the trauma they’ve been through with your help is such a joy. Becoming a forever family for modern day orphans and putting a period where there’s been a question mark for years is so humbling. The need for foster families is H U G E. Over 12 children a day enter foster care. If fostering is on your radar, pursue it! We can all play a part in this broken system to make it better whether it’s being a foster parent, guardian ad litem or cheerleader that rallies behind a foster family."
"Steven and I always desired to foster and adopt. We always planned to pursue these after having biological children, but after over a year of trying to get pregnant, we knew that God had a different plan for us. When we finally obeyed God, He made our path extremely clear. Within 12 weeks of saying YES, we had 4 children under our roof! There are multiple struggles as a foster parent. We’ve had difficult DFCS workers, tough trauma to work through, and hardest of all – when children have returned to family members. Through it all, God equips us every day to tackle these challenges and to shine His light. Our favorite part about fostering and adopting is seeing the transformation that children experience when they receive structure, love, and encouragement. We‘ve seen tremendous growth in every child, regardless of age: confidence has risen, grades have improved, self-esteem and self-worth have increased. Every child that enters our home is part of our family and knows that they are chosen by God. Becoming foster parents is one of the hardest things that we’ve ever done, but is also the most rewarding! There are so many kids that need a home. If not us, then who?"
"The decision to pursue a domestic adoption was something my husband and I have always talked about. We see the need and that many women find themselves in a crisis situation of an unplanned pregnancy. To be able to help a mother who chose life was a honor. We loved our daughter before we even knew her, and are so blessed to now have her birth family in our lives as well.
As far as struggles, the question of “will we ever be chosen?” often ran through our minds. We were told from the beginning that having biological children can sometimes be something that turns expectant mothers away. However, we found out that some Mama’s want siblings for their babies, and that some even seek out families with children. We were chosen only 7 weeks after becoming an active waiting family, and our daughters birth mom had about 4 months remaining in her pregnancy. There are many unknowns in the process, but just trusting and loving was all we could do.
Best aspects- everything. I wish more people would pursue adoption. There is such a need out there, and sitting back shouting “pro life!” But doing nothing about it; I believe isn’t right. Not everyone is called to adopt, but everyone can help in someway or another."
"I had a desire to adopt since I was pretty young, so as we walked down a path of multiple years of not getting pregnant, it made sense for us to start discussing adoption as our way to start our family. The struggles are vast- it’s a unique process, a gain in someone else’s loss. However, there’s beauty and redemption in just the mere statement of choosing life. For us, we were initially hesitant at the thought of openness in adoption. And I don’t want to speak out of term because there are plenty of situations where it would be in the best interest of your child to not necessarily have a super open relationship. But, what we’ve learned is that it’s something worth fighting for. From the moment our baby boy was born, he was surrounded by two families and will know and be known by his first mama for all of his life. What a gift that he will get to build a relationship with her!"
"I was actually in foster care as a child so that's what planted the seed for me. When I mentioned wanting to do it to my husband he was 100% on board. At the time I was a travel nurse so we had to wait a few years to get started. The hardest thing has been all of the waiting. It's a long, tedious process and we are just so excited to start this journey. The best aspect of fostering to us is being able to help a child during very hard time in their life."
"My husband and I have both wanted to adopt since before we were married, so when starting a family biologically didn’t happen as quickly as we had hoped, it was an easy decision to start our family through adoption! Our adoption process went fairly smoothly, taking only 9 months from when we started to when we held our daughter in our arms. However one thing that did require a lot of trust on our part (and still does!) has been the financial side to adoption. For a myriad of reasons, domestic infant adoption is quite pricey, so trusting that God would provide what we needed was a big part of our process... and it was incredible to see Him come through! Adoption has been an incredible blessing in our life! Not only do we get to love on our daughter, but because we have an open adoption we got even more family than we could have imagined. We feel so lucky everyday that our daughter’s first family chose us to raise her, and that God saw us fit to be matched with this family."
"It became very clear to my husband and I that God had called us to love and care for the orphan. After much prayer, we truly believed that foster care was the best way to do this. It was something that we were both unified on, and felt strongly about. Initially, our main struggles were timing and the stage of life we were in. We had moved so many times and my husband kept changing jobs. It was hard to know if we were in a good place to make our first step. Eventually, we realized that life was probably always going to be crazy, and if we were serious about doing this, we needed to take a first step and see where it led.
Surprisingly, I would say one of the best parts of fostering has been all the families we’ve been able to meet and be a part of. I have been so blessed by some of those relationships, and I would have never had that opportunity had we never started fostering. As for the best part of adopting, it’s becoming a family. Sounds simple, but it carries so much weight and importance to us."
"The love we have for her is so strong but the trauma she is dealing with is real and devastating. Fighting for her heart is incredibly hard but incredibly worth it. We are so grateful to God for building our family in this unique yet broken way. It leaves us all completely dependent on Him. And if you’ve lived much life at all, you know that while that ground might be the hardest to stand on, it’s absolutely the best place to be. He is faithful and always good."
"My husband, Joe and I have known since our first official date that adoption was our first choice to start a family! Joe was diagnosed with testicular cancer during the spring semester of his senior year at Penn State! At the time, the doctors tried to freeze a sperm before the first of two major surgeries. Unfortunately, the news wasn’t great and he was told that it would highly unlikely that he could have biological children. Fast forward to 2009 when we were on our first official dinner date after meeting at a mutual friend’s Halloween party, when he shared this with me. He continued to share that both his Dad and Aunt were adopted. Though we were both 23 at the time, I think we both felt in our hearts that adoption would be the perfect way for us to start our family. Of course the road to our sweet Cora wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine. During the summer of 2016, we were starting to get more serious about the idea of starting a family. Core to Joe’s DNA is a deep desire to explore all options before making any big decisions. That said, we scheduled a consolation with a reproductive specialist to better understand IVF. After our appointment, we felt even more committed to adoption as our first choice to grow our family. Some friends recommended that we attend adoption academy, an 8 week course in all things adoption offered by Nationwide Children’s Hospital. We happily accepted the advice and through our coursework we learned a TON about the process and different resources available. Upon completion we selected our agency. The hardest part after completing our home study was the waiting! Ultimately we got super lucky and a personal connection facilitated a match in Columbus! We are so fortunate and filled with eternal gratitude to have a wonderful relationship with Cora’s birthmom and grandparents! The best part of adoption might seem obvious but it’s the simple fact that everyday we wake up feeling like the luckiest people in the world to have been chosen to parent our daughter! She’s the absolute light of our lives (and not to mention her grands)!"
"My husband and I are very open to having a large family and have been trying for 10 years. And we realized the way that was best for us to go about it was to foster to adopt. My husband and I have been trying for 10 years to have a child, I have had over four miscarriages and stopped counting after number four. We decided if we are not able to bring a child into this world and we will help raise a child that has brought into the world whose parents maybe cannot help or provide for the child at this time. I believe the best aspects of adopting and fostering is the fact that you get to make a difference. I believe the best aspects of adopting and fostering is the fact that you got to make a difference in every child’s life that comes in your home. Whether they are there for only a few hours, days, weeks, or if you do become their forever home, they will have a place of unconditional love. A place that accept them for who they are."
We started to foster and adopt because we felt we could offer our home to a baby in need. Notice I said baby. We had no idea what was in store we were so naive to the whole process. We got our first placement Elijah 3 months old thought this was so easy. Little did we know he went back after 5 weeks. Naive like I said we did not understand. Then we got a call for a 5 year old and a 4 pound nicu baby going through withdrawals. Hardest thing we ever did caring for him. Poor thing was always in a fight to feel comfortable. Yet his brother and my daughter became best friends. We though yet again it was going to Adoptions. After a year they were given back to a Grandma. Hearts crushed never thinking we would do it again. We took our names off the list. 6 months later we got a call for 3 little boys brothers 3,2 and 1.
We were the last house the social worker would try since she was having a hard time placing 3 together makes sense who can take on three at one time. We met them and my initial response was no way I can take on three more. I already have three girls how could I do this. My husband said they needed us and not knowing we needed them just as much. 6 years later our family is a full blown circus but it isn’t shorted love. Hardest thing at the beginning is bonding people think you take in children and it’s easy you just love them. No you have to love yourself first to get through the really hard times you will feel. These children come from hurt and trauma. There is no book or adoption class that can prepare you for it. You have to throw out all expectations and give them space to have all their feelings. My boys and girls have come so far and I’m so proud of my family. Adoption isn’t for everyone but when it’s for you, You just know.
"My husband and I had been trying to start a family for years before we came to our “breaking point”. Unexplained infertility. We weren’t in any financial position to pursue lots of medical treatments so it all came to a halt. We felt like we had exhausted our options. We came to a decision that we would do our best to be grateful and content with the life God had given us. It was hard to “give up”. We hadn’t even considered adoption as an option for us. It never crossed our minds until we received a phone call from an old friend who asked us if we would be open to an infant adoption. He knew of a birth mom and wanted us to meet her! We knew right away that this was the path we were meant to take! It’s funny looking back...adopting came TO us. The hardest parts of adoption for me are the emotions that unexpectedly pop up. My heart ached for my daughter’s birth mom. It still does. Bonding didn’t happen instantly with either baby and I felt like a fake mom. Thank goodness that passed!
The best part of adopting (besides growing our family) has been the ability to show love to so many people. It’s changed my life. Our daughter’s are so loved by us, but we also love their biological families. We have gained an extended family of sorts and are so grateful that our girls have so much love around them. I once heard a quote...it goes something like this! “If I can love multiple children, why can’t my child love multiple parents? Who am I to deny my child of all that love?” Adoption isn’t easy. It has unique challenges in addition to a “normal” parenting situation. It is so with the effort though! If you feel the call towards adopting, jump in feet first! Do it! It will be scary...do it anyway!"
"Since I was a teenager I had thought it would be an option I would like to explore, but I knew it might be difficult to get my future partner on board. I was lucky in that my husband agreed with me that we didn’t need to blood related to love a child as a son or daughter. Almost a year in, we’re pleased to say we were right.
As children are technically still under the state’s guardianship until the paperwork is official we struggled a lot with our children’s social worker who is the state’s representative. We had very different ideas of what was acceptable in regards to how they were cared for whilst in foster care, differed in opinion about their future education and more or less everything in between. It’s all very emotionally charged and it was hard to play nice at times. Aside from being in a safe and caring environment, we know we’ve given them the chance to experience things that they otherwise wouldn’t have. Watching them learn and grow into confident young people who have so much to offer the world. Hearing our five year old son tell us he loves us is pretty amazing as well, he’s had so many adults let him down that it’s unbelievable that he’s been able to come this far with us."
Parenting our 3 yo biological son, Hudson (who happens to be the same age as our now adopted son Carson), was natural and I wondered how we would connect with Carson through the transition of language and cultural change. I was also very worried about his medical needs and often questioned if I was the right mom to take care of such a fragile body. I began to realize a few things rather quickly… Carson is a strong fighter and love is the universal language. I also realize now that I need him more than he will ever need me. Carson brings me true joy and everyday is a gift with him. We were never 100% ready for adoption just like we were never fully prepared to parent our biological son. However, it’s pretty hard to mess up loving a child who desperately needs you. As we prepare for open heart surgery this year I know that if we would have chosen the comfort of the world we would have missed the joy.
When we first met him he would often hum “Amazing Grace” which was the same song we had hung up in our bedroom long before we met him. There are so many of these beautiful connections that I cherish so very much. He is starting to trust us and thrives having a brother the same age who teaches him all about life! Of course there are challenges and adoption can be messy & challenging but nothing will ever compare to the happiness that he brings to our family. He is chosen, cherished and loved!
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